Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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