it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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