Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
