Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She bit a glass in half.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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