It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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