mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
