I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
