when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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