Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Two words: blizzard sex
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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