my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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