Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
