sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
