Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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