Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think my moral compass just broke
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