In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
