I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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