my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Randomize
