Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
