What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
