happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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