Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
