mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
