My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
