Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
