: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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