Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
