the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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