i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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