she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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