you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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