That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
