I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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