I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
