I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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