i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
