so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Too much gin, very little bucket
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
