there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
