I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
