So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We don't watch enough power rangers
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
