Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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