note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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