My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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