He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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