dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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