Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
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The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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