I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He shit in the fireplace
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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