Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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