The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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