i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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