New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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