1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
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