I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
