Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
