Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
