saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.